


Something About Threes

by mememan



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Alcohol, M/M, Multi, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 12:30:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4876942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mememan/pseuds/mememan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Originally Posted May 23rd, 2015)</p>
<p>Corvax gets bored watching Xephos and Honeydew constantly fail at fighting, so he decides to get some entertainment out of them another way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something About Threes

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an anon prompt that I lost like a scrub... Anyway, this is the best ship ever and I hope someone out there starts shipping it as much as I do.

They were completely shit at this. 

Of course, it was hard not to be shit at something that was pure luck. Even the most talented of individuals could not win if dealt a bad hand by fate. This did not change the fact that the two of them were not even in the same area code as the averagely talented individuals.

“Why are we so bad at this?” Xephos sighed as Honeydew struggled to get up off the ground at their spawn point.

“Oh come on, we’re not that bad–”

“We didn’t even see the thing that killed us!” Xephos shouted and begun a quick pace that only spanned five feet at most. “Should we go back? To at least see what killed us, I mean.”

“Why bother? Corvaxy is probably thinking of a worse challenge for us as we speak,” Honeydew said and stretched his tired limbs. 

“Cor…vaxy?”

“It’s a pet name! Like how Corvax calls us noble dwarf and puny human.” 

“I don’t think–” Xephos’ reply got severed as the both of them were ripped from their current location and teleported to a room neither recognized. Lady Luck smiled upon them for the first time that day when they landed on a soft couch. 

“Um?” Xephos looked to Honeydew as if he would have an explanation. The clearing of a throat had them focus their attention to the only other relevant person in the room.

Corvax towered over them with angry authority.

“Care to explain why we’re here?” Honeydew asked.

“It was obvious you two were useless, but this is just insulting! Your fights are not even entertaining anymore! Just… frustrating!” Corvax shouted as he gesticulated wildly. “When Corvax hosts a fight, he expects to actually see a fight. That’s normal, yes? For a fight to have a fight in it? But you two can’t seem to handle that, so let us try this instead.”

He sat down between them, causing the couch to dip and his guests to gravitate towards his sides. He called for one of the servants he always had floating nearby and turned to Honeydew.

“Drinks?” 

“Uh,” Honeydew tried to not look completely taken off guard by the question. “Can we get back to you on that one?” 

He grabbed Xephos by the hand and dragged him out to where he hoped they were out of earshot.

“What the hell is going on!” Honeydew phrased the sentence more as an exclamation of disbelief than an inquiry.

“How the hell should I know! Maybe he’s gonna poison us?”

“Why would he? Seems real dumb to kill us so soon after we’ve come back.”

“Well, what else could he possibly want?”

“Company?” Honeydew said as if it was his last ditch attempt to answer a game show question.

“I… Huh. I guess he could be lonely? That’s a bit sad.”

“I think the word you’re searching for is pathetic.”

“Honeydew!”

Their conversation was once again interrupted as Corvax teleported them back onto the couch. Xephos let out an aggravated sigh. 

“That really wasn’t necessary,” he said. He tried to fight off the awkward feeling he got from suddenly being so close to the tyrannical space emperor.

“It was. Now, dwarf, what are you drinking?” 

“Uh,” Honeydew thought for a moment. “Give me a beer. A big one that I’ll have to hold with two hands.”

Corvax turned his attention to Xephos. “And you?”

“Er,” Xephos weighed his options carefully. He was almost set on getting tea in case he needed to be sober later, but his inner demons screamed out for him to indulge. “Just get me a gin and tonic.”

Corvax turned to the person waiting for his command and said “The usual for me.” before waving them away. The three then turned their attention to another minion who worked to display a film on a ridiculously large screen with speakers that would without a doubt be heard half a planet away. 

“We’re watching a classic,” Corvax said and his guests wondered whether that was a good thing.

-

“Is this my fourth?” Xephos asked as a servant poured more liquor into his cup.

“Fifth,” they replied, deadpan. Xephos stared off for a second to process the information, then shrugged and downed it all in one go.

“Careful there, friend. Wouldn’t want to get so drunk you forgot the movie,” Honeydew joked from atop Corvax’s lap. Some time during the second hour of the film he migrated there out of sheer boredom. Corvax seemed delighted by the event.

“Psssh, I’m fine,” Xephos slurred. He went to pat Honeydew reassuringly on the head but missed and his hand landed on Honeydew’s face with a soft pap.

“The dwarf is right, your puny brain cannot handle this much alcohol.”

“I said I’m fine.” Xephos then mimicked what he’d done with Honeydew and papped him softly on the face. They sat there in relative silence before Xephos slithered his hand down Corvax’s face like a sloth. Corvax growled in warning.

“Shh, shhh, shhhhhhh,” Xephos said as he patted Corvax’s cheek the same way one would use when calming a pet. He gazed into Corvax’s eyes in as serious a manner as he could muster and then leaned in to the left side of his face.

“I have to go pee,” he attempted to whisper, but it instead came out as just a huskier version of his regular voice. Corvax face fell to that of a disgruntled babysitter. 

“You,” he called to the servant that served Xephos his drink earlier. “Take him so he does not get lost and die.”

“Alright,” the lackey replied with enthusiasm on par of someone being given full responsibility over the problem child of a daycare.

“Have fun,” Honeydew said in goodbye before giving his attention to anything other than the movie.

-

By the time he maneuvered his way out the restroom the minion was gone. He wanted to think the best of them and assume they got called to more pressing matters but an intuition like a stone in his gut told him otherwise.

He stumbled back through the halls using the sound of the movie to guide him. By the third time he tripped he realized just how shit-faced he was. With a few harsh words towards himself, he began slapping his face in an awkward attempt to sober up. He told himself it was for safety–the last thing he needed was to be drunk off his ass in the lair of a sadistic blue lizard–but he turned red when he realized he cared about Corvax’s opinion of him.

It took him three tumbles, a most-likely bruised shin, and a face red with either emotion or abuse to find his way back to Honeydew and their host.

Another bruise was added to his collection when the sight of them making out sent his ass to the floor.

The noise caused both of the guilty party to jolt up and their wet kiss stained lips glistened in the TV screen light. Xephos dug his gaze into the floor.

“You okay, you light-weight?” he heard Honeydew tease but even to his drunk ears he could hear the embarrassed strain in his voice. He wasn’t sure he wished to know what Corvax was feeling. His guess was that it fell somewhere between rage and humiliation.

He swallowed a lump and spoke: “If you wanted to make out with Honeydew then you could’ve just not teleported me with him.” He tried to make himself more dignified but all moves to get off the ground were thwarted by his jelly limbs. “Now you have a drunk third-wheel on your floor. You happy?”

With a disgusted sigh, Corvax got up and walked to the hot mess sprawled across his carpet. “The making out was supposed to include the both of you. Corvax just did not plan on the puny human to drink his own weight in gin.” He dragged Xephos up and off the ground. Xephos was never so certain in his life that he would puke, but staved off the urge to grunt out an inquisitive noise.

“What? The dwarf said we could arrange something… Unless he was lying,” Corvax said and turned to Honeydew with a glare. Honeydew pretended to be paying the movie rapt attention though the quick sideways glances he gave them betrayed where his true interest lie. 

“Arrange… marriage?” Xephos asked, not quite getting where all this was going.

“No! … Not yet?” Corvax started. “Just dating now. Threeway dating.”

“Oh… You brought us here to get drunk and hit on us? You gross bastard.”

“The drinking was not planned! Though it did make things easier…”

“Gross gross gross gross and disgusting!” Xephos chanted as he tapped Corvax’s chest with his fists. He stopped as suddenly as he started and gazed deep into those reptilian eyes. He dove in without warning and mashed their lips together in what he hoped could be passed off as kissing. To distract from his subpar smooching, Xephos slid his hand under Corvax’s shirt. The guy was surprisingly soft for a cold-blooded criminal.

“No,” Corvax stated and took Xephos’ hand off him.

“No?”

“You’re drunk and not thinking straight.”

“No, you’re drunk!” Xephos accused while jabbing Corvax’s chest with his index finger. Only moments later did he realize what a golden pun opportunity he missed with the phrase “thinking straight”.

“Impossible, there was no alcohol in my drink.”

“What, why not?”

“Too nervous to drink. Had too keep head clear.”

“Too nervous? That usually causes people to drink more,” Xephos chuckled to cover up the fact that he was referencing his own habits.

“I can see that,” Corvax said and the smile he gave could have been reassuring in its early planning stage, but looked predatory when executed.

“Will you two wrap it up and get back here? This movie’s about to put me to bed,” Honeydew called from the couch and Xephos felt shame that he forgot he was still there.

Without a word, Corvax carried Xephos back to the couch and set him down as close to him as possible. They spent the rest of the night like so with Xephos and Honeydew occasionally engaging in other activities to drown out the movie. Both guests fell asleep while using Corvax as their personal, living pillow, and left any awkwardness of the situation to be dealt with in the coming daylight.


End file.
